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We're getting married!

On March 5th, 2012 John finally popped the question. I STILL cannot get over the amount of thought he put into the entire thing. I was told he bought the ring at the end of January and planned this entire romantic vacation just to ask me. Ever since I was a little girl I dreamed of that day. How would it happen? Would I have an amazing story to tell? And who would my special someone be? Although I have dreamt about it for as long as I could remember I never really pictured it actually happening. Until I met him. 

As soon as we made our decision to be together I knew this was forever. The way his hands feel around mine and the way our lips fit perfectly together, I could never imagine being with anyone else. I lusted for him for years. I was patient, and kind, and always there when he needed to talk. There was one time in our lives where we didn't speak to each other and that only lasted a few months before we both realized why we were so angry. We wanted to be together. 

Our story is so amazing to tell, and so full of passion it's like something you would read out of a romance novel. I never believed that I could love someone so much. And I never believed someone could ever fully love me for me. I'm impatient, and persuasive, I am brutally honest, and I talk too much. I have anxiety that I cannot explain, and I am easily frustrated. And he loves it. He takes such good care of me, I don't know how I lived so long without him. 

When he proposed he took me completely off guard. He knew how bad I wanted to hear him tell me he wants me forever, and he did every night, but I refused to believe him. I made myself upset thinking he couldn't possibly love me as much as I do him. When I walked into the hotel room and saw him down on one knee I laughed. I always thought I would cry when someone proposed but I couldn't stop laughing. His smile is so beautiful I couldn't help but smile too. That's always the way it is. He makes me laugh so hard sometimes that tears run down my face and my stomach actually hurts. That's the way it always has been with us. Since we were 16, always laughing, always smiling. When we're together it's like the world stops, and everything I am worried about just disappears and it's just us. Like he said, we are "two nuts in a peanut" and "two peas in a pod". I love him. And I love taking care of him. I can't wait until we get married. I wish it could happen tomorrow. <3 

I know our life together is going to be one crazy adventure. I know that we will never give up on each other. We've never gone on a "break" or spent time apart for more than 5 days (for a family vacation). Every second I am without him I think of him. It's almost like it's too good to be true. 

Writer's Block: Cornucopia of colors

Autumn is the season of change. New school year, leaves change colors, summer romance's die. You begin to work harder to make up for the lack of work during the summer. I honestly feel people are at their best during the autumn months because the business of the season keeps you on your toes. Autumn is the time of year to fall in love, snuggle closer to the one you're with, and do things like costume parties, apple picking, haunted houses, and trick or treating. All of these things tend to bring you closer to the one you love. 

New Songs!

This new cd has some lyrics that absolutely hit me hard. Once again... here I go.. favorite lyrics so far

"And now I just had this dream that we were on my bed again
Making love the way we did
Tell me how could I forget
This can't be healthy now the way I dream about your lips
But this just wasn't any kiss
I hope you're still not over this
Not at least 'til I get over you"
No Heroes Allowed

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/m/mayday_parade/#share

"No, it's not supposed to hurt this much
But when someone slowly breaks it off
It tends to leave a bitter taste
A scar, that slowly rips apart
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/m/mayday_parade/a_shot_across_the_bow.html ]
Can I have one second of your time?
If I don't it'll drive me crazy
As I drop to my knees
And scream "I hate you more than you could know"

I hope you fall into the ocean
And the current leaves you helpless swimming around
As the waves crash over you until you drown and float away
And hold a funeral for nothing
And celebrate how empty love can be broken
It takes the sea to put you six feet happily underground

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/m/mayday_parade/#share
It always amazes me how some things in life can always be absolutely perfect. The friends I've had forever, at this point I'd like to think they will always be in my life. The new friends I've made along the way- they're all pretty much the most amazing people I have ever met. For the first time in my life I am feel like I am surrounded by nothing but beautiful people. And those who have attempted to taint that vibe have been shut out along the way. No arguments or cat fights, just shut out. I honestly feel that at this stage in the game if you feel the need to complain in an inappropriate manner you are not worth my time. I will not fight via text/facebook/email/aim. If there is a problem we can sit down like rational adults and discuss the situation. Sure it may seem harsh and bitchy but I have delt with my share of obnoxious drama queens and I honestly don't want that in my life anymore. 

Yesterday was one of the best days I have had with friends. After going to the concert we met up with some more people and I can honestly say I had a nice time. Sure there was drama, but seeing as I didn't really know them I just sat back and watched. At the end of the night it was the usual 4 sitting around the table and laughing at all of the messed up things we have seen at backyard parties over the years. As we talked about our best and not so shining moments in life we all couldn't help but smile. Those are the moments I love in life. Last calls, awkward momemts and friends who can laugh about it with you years later. 


Aug. 7th, 2011

 I have been up three days
Aderall and Redbull
This call is a mistake
There’s something STRONG  in this water bottle
I hear you got a new chick
But that’s a little Barbie doll
I feel so pathetic
But you still haven’t heard it all

Fuck that new girl that you like so bad
She’s not crazy like me, I bet you like that
I said fuck that new girl that’s been in your bed
And when you’re in her I know I’m in your head
I’m just saying you can do better
Always turned you out every time we were together
Once you had the best boy you can’t do better
Baby I’m the best so you can’t do better

[Verse 2]
I ran into your homeboys
They’re all fucking idiots
You’re not even my boyfriend
But They're tripping because I’m in the club
Yeah that’s right I’m dancing
And something cool is in my cup
I’ma send a sexy picture
To remind you what you’ve given up

Fuck that new girl that you like so bad
She’s not crazy like me, I bet you like that
I said fuck that new girl that’s been in your bed
And when you’re in her I know I’m in your head
I mean, I’m just saying you can do better
Always turned you out every time we were together
Once you had the best boy, you can’t do better
Baby I’m the best so you can’t do better
Here I go this is my confessional
A lost cause nobody can save my soul
I am so delusional
With every move I die

I have a LJ and I'm not afraid to use it.

Last night I had some very much girl time with one of my best. Sure we have our ups and downs but she has always been the one person who is not afraid to tell me when I am being ridiculous, and at the same time, when my feelings are genuine. We spoke of some things that I have probably never said out loud and it felt great. Well, not great, but it felt so good to talk about it.

Things have changed so much and I am not the only one who has noticed the changes. Growing up isn't as much fun as I thought it would be. Life has given me a whole new set of struggles and challenges to face daily. They make me sick to my stomache (which hah there goes my apetite). I never thought in a million years that I'd be the girl who controls my food intake when everything else is so out of control. I literally just feel sick to my stomache and it's getting pretty obvious around everyone else.

Sometimes I just need to be heard. Why is everyone elses feelings more important than mine? And why does it always seem that my life is not that great. Sure I have some awesome perks, but the good does not always out weigh the bad a lesson I have learned time and time again. In life and in love.

I miss some things so much sometimes and it feels like I am the only one who does. I still care about pretty much everyone in my past. I wish others were more open minded and not so quick to judge me. Sure I have changed a lot, but trust me I am still the same person. I still cry and have anxiety over the weirdest freaking things, and I still laugh out loud in an obnoxious sort of way. I am still very sarcastic,maybe a lot less nasty, but I miss my old friends. I really do. I miss summer. Maybe one day.... things will change.


 My life looks perfect on paper.
And yet I am still jealous of everyone else.
I've lost friends since starting this job.
They think I am "to good" for them. 
They think I am "stuck up"
If only they fully understood the extreme mental abuse I deal with..
The craziness of the situation...
So I have nice things now...
And I've always wanted a way to afford these things...
But because I didn't buy them, it doesn't feel complete. 
Life has changed so much,
So fast,
I forgot who I used to be. 
I literally just walk around these days waiting for someone to tell me how to feel,
I have no room to breathe. 
And all I want to do is sleep. 

shop kick app

So I don't know if anyone has an iphone or a droid, but if you have shop kick you should use my promo code. melon10886. It's an app that gives you points the more stores you check in to. Kinda cool actually. Especially if you're into shopping :)


losing the weight

Although I am no longer at my heaviest weight, I re-joined weight watchers to drop the 18lbs I gained back after I stopped. 18- thats a huge number. After just starting I am already down 3 lbs! I'm so excited. I know it's not much, it's not even a 5 lb mark yet, but it still gives me hope that I can do it. My goal weight is 127- it's what I was when everyone thought I was "skinny". I know it's still not that low, and I'd realistically love to be 120-125 I know I can do this if I really try. The new points system is so easy to follow, and as long as I actually eat and eat right I will not have a problem. I fear food, but I love food. I love to eat things that taste great- but I have always felt guilt after every meal. I'm not used to eating all day- but having grapes or an apple isn't going to make me fat. I have always known this. The important part is reaching my point value and not saying "well if I only have 12 points a day I'll lose more weight". I was so sick when I briefly entered the world of "eating disorder" and it didn't fit me. Sure I looked great, but I was always on the verge of passing out, and always so freaking cold. I couldn't go out to eat with anyone, and only one person was truly able to adapt to my change. She wouldn't convince me to eat, but offered me better choices when we hung out which was always helpful and made me less embarrassed to hang out. John was great last time too. I'll never forget the night he made me breakfast because he knew thats what I would eat. (I'm a sucker for eggs and bacon) And he was always so patient with me weighing myself twice a day and talking about how I gained a pound or lost a pound. He never told me I was too skinny, or I was too fat, he just told me I was perfect no matter what. Every girl needs someone like that in their lives. I think tonight I am going to make us dinner if he gets out early. So although I am little nervous, I really want to wear that bikini I bought with confidence when we go away this year. If all those girls out there can wear whatever they want, I want to be able to wear my clothes too. I am so proud of my "designer" closet that I can't wait to be able to wear those clothes with confidence. I can't wait to lose more weight and be the girlfriend my boyfriend is proud of. :)